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Marik's Evil Council of Doom 4/Transcript
Cast (In order of appearance): Steve Umbra, Florence, Steve Lumis, Pegasus, Teddy, Cecilia, Rex, Weevil, Melvin, Zorc, Cody, Robin Williams, Dartz, Zombie Boy, Valon, Raphael, Alister, Yugi Muto, Dan Green, Marik Date: November 18, 2010 Running Time: 12:46 Transcript (Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name" plays) CAPTION: Somewhere in Egypt... UMBRA: (singing) Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care Jimmy crack corn and I don’t caaaaaare~! FLORENCE: Well, if you don’t care, then please stop bloody telling us about it! UMBRA: Man, don’t be ruining my flow. FLORENCE: Your “flow” is of no concern to me. I simply wish for you to shut your mouth hole before I nail it shut. LUMIS: I’m afraid Err is right. His flow is very important. UMBRA: Like a bouse. LUMIS: On the moon, our flow is the only thing that separates us from the wildlife. UMBRA: Like a bouse. LUMIS: The moon wildlife. UMBRA: Like a bouse. FLORENCE: Well, we’re not on the moon right now, are we? LUMIS: That can be arranged. FLORENCE: Was that supposed to be a threat? LUMIS: No. I was just calling attention to our luxury moon vacation plan. Buy a ticket today and receive one free ass-whooping upon your initial payment. That part was a threat. UMBRA: Like a bouse. FLORENCE: Okay! Somebody else please talk to me. Now. PEGASUS: Why so glum, Bakura? FLORENCE: Oh, gee, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because this is the millionth bloody Council meeting we’ve had. And somehow, somehow, I just know its going to be about as productive as all the others. That is to say, not at all. PEGASUS: Oh, come now, Bakura, I think these meetings are very productive. FLORENCE: How do you work that out? PEGASUS: Well, during our last meeting, I was finally able to resurrect my dead wife, Cecelia. With a little help from my good friend, Teddy. TEDDY: YoU’rE wELcoMe. FLORENCE: You… resurrected your wife? PEGASUS: Say hello to the nice man, Cecilia. CECILIA: (appears to be sewn together like Frankenstein's Monster) Brains! FLORENCE: Um... Charmed to meet you. CEILIA: Braaains. FLORENCE: Doesn’t she seem a little different, Pegasus? PEGASUS: Well, now that you come to mention it, she has taken to eating brains all the time. FLORENCE: And that strikes you as odd, I suppose. PEGASUS: Well, yes. She used to be a vegan. REX: Huhuhu what a dork. WEEVIL: Yeah, hehe, vegetables suck. FLORENCE: Look, will all of you please cease this foolishness!? In a few moments, Marik is going to get here and then, believe me, there will be plenty of idiocy to go around. No doubt, he’ll concoct yet another plan that will result in our running off on some fool’s errand in order rearrange Yugi’s sock drawer or something. I really don’t know why I even bother coming. After all, Marik is and always will be a total— MELVIN: (cutting Bakura off) Yes? A total what? FLORENCE: Uh... Oh! Hello, um, Melvin. Fancy meeting you here. Actually, I think we were all rather expecting Marik. MELVIN: Oh, really? Are you disappointed? FLORENCE: I believe “terrified” would be more appropriate. UMBRA: Like a baws. FLORENCE: Shut up, you fool, or he’ll kill you where you stand. UMBRA: Ha-ha! I’d like to see him try. LUMIS: Yes. I, too, would like to see him attempt to murder us— CAPTION: censored (a chainsaw and Lumis and Umbra yelling are heard, Melvin laughs) FLORENCE: Okay, forget what I said before. It looks like this is one of the rare Council meetings where something actually gets done. MELVIN: So, this is what Marik does on the weekends, is it? Impressive. I never knew he had it in him. A council of the most ruthless villains known to man. Together, we could rule the world! (laughs) REX: Yeah. Huhuhu. We’re gonna rule. WEEVIL: I already rule. He-he. I rule! He-he. REX: You don’t rule, Weevil. WEEVIL: I ruled your mom last night. REX: Shut up, ass-munch, that was your mom. And it was me doing the ruling. Huhuhuhuhu. WEEVIL: Dammit, Rex! MELVIN: Silence! WEEVIL: Aaaaaah, yeah. Hehehehehehe. MELVIN: I said “Silence!” WEEVIL: Aaaaaah, yeah. Hehehehehehe. MELVIN: Do you have any idea what the word “silence” means? WEEVIL: Um... Hehehe. No. MELVIN: It means stop talking. WEEVIL: Oh yeah. Uh, I knew that. MELVIN: So when I say “silence”, you cease making noise or I will cease it for you. WEEVIL: Hehe… Okay? MELVIN: Let’s give it a test run shall we? Silence! WEEVIL: Aaaaaa, yeah. Hehehehehehehe. MELVIN: Okay, that tears it. And by “it” I mean your spinal column. WEEVIL: Thank you. Drive thru— CAPTION: censored (The sound of a chainsaw running, and Weevil yelling are heard) WEEVIL: (off-screen) Oh, God, this sucks! REX: Whoa. Huhuhu. That was cool. MELVIN: Now then, bring me up to speed. How many people have we killed so far? FLORENCE: Uh… Y-you mean aside from the three people that you just took out? MELVIN: Uh-huh. FLORENCE: Well, Marik did kill that one red-headed chap in the second video. And I’m fairly certain that Bob was killed off-screen at some point. MELVIN: So, you have killed people. FLORENCE: Yyyyyyyyyes. But, the problem is they were all members of our Council. None of them really deserved it. Much. MELVIN: Typical. You bring together some of the finest criminal minds in the world and you can’t even accomplish something as trivial as mass murder. So what have you been doing all this time? FLORENCE: Well, first, we trolled Yugi’s YouTube account and then… we…, we…, uh… We haven’t really gotten much done. At all. MELVIN: Then I suppose we’re going to have to kick things up a notch, aren’t we? You! The tall one. What’s your name? ZORC: My name is Zorc. CODY: And I’m Cody. We’re identical twins. ZORC: It’s true. We both look exactly the same. MELVIN: I have a job for you. I want you to find Yugi Moto and destroy him! ZORC: Um, actually, now that I have a contract with Disney, I’m not allowed to destroy anyone. MELVIN: Oh for the love of Sports Entertainment! (music starts) What good is a giant blue monster if you can’t use it to destroy everything that opposes you!? ZORC: But I am allowed to sing about it. (singing to the tune of "A Whole New World") I can destroy the world Total an-i-hil-a-tion Wiping out every nation I will cleanse the globe with fire. CODY: (also singing) Everybody must die. You must show no remorse. ZORC: (not singing) Even the French? CODY: (not singing) Of course! ZORC: (singing again) Then I shall slaughter them with pride! Destroy the world! My dragon penis it will spew fiery death everywhere. This Teddy bear will back me up with feeling. TEDDY: (also singing) DEsTrOy tHe wOrLd! In sAtAn’s nAmE We wIlL AcCrUe a tHoUsAnD TrIlLiOn dEaD. THeIr bLoOd wIlL SpReAd. AnD EvErYbOdY’S SoUl wIlL BeLoNg tO SaTaN. (song ends) MELVIN: Look, much as I may love a classic Walt Disney musical number, unless you plan to make good on your lyrics, I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to silence! ...yourself. FLORENCE: You know, maybe I'' could go and, I don’t know, banish Yugi to the Shadow Realm? '''MELVIN': Don’t bother, Florence. Truth is, I don’t trust any of you to do this one simple task. Beyond helping me hone my skills with a chainsaw, you’ve all proven to be extremely ineffectual. FLORENCE: Well, at least let me kidnap the guy! MELVIN: Yes. Bring him before me. I shall do the job that none of you could. I shall kill Yugi Moto! ZORC: Hooray! This calls for a cheerful song. With the help of my good friend, Robin Williams. ROBIN WILLIAMS: (appears as floating head) Hey, hey, hey. CODY: Haha! Robin Williams. You’re funny. (“Electric Eye” plays) CAPTION: Deep beneath the Ocean’s surface… DARTZ: Evwybody get in here! We got us a new membah. Evwyone, feast your eyes on the guy known as Zombie Boy-oy. ZOMBIE BOY: Hey, how’s it goin’? VALON: Crikey! A new member. Talk about a turnout for the books, mate. DARTZ: Yeah! Now there ah foh of us. We’re like the Beatows, man. Only we don't pwoduce moosic, we pwoduce Evow! Evow moosic! Dananananana nanananana nana nana na~! You pway it backwahds and it’s like: “Don’t go to skooh! Stay at home! Pway video gayms!” RAPHAEL: Uh, actually, boss, there’s five of us. DARTZ: Just like the Beatows, mayn! RAPHAEL: Actually… DARTZ: (cutting Raphael off) The Beatows! RAPHAEL: Uh… DARTZ: Maaaaayyn! RAPHAEL: Um, yeah, right. Just like the Beatles. DARTZ: Man, I liked it better when you said “zoog zoog”. You weren’t such a little bitch. ZOMBIE BOY: I was kicked out of Marik’s Council so I decided to defect. Now nothing will stop us from taking vengeance on him and destroying everythin— DARTZ: (laughs) Okay, shut up, man. I can’t undahstand a wohd yoh sayin'. ZOMBIE BOY: Uh, but I— DARTZ: You gotta learn to annunc-i-ate, mayn! Speak plain English! It’s a matter of coaidese- cor- corage- It’s good manners, mayn! ALISTER: So tell us, mighty and powerful Dartz, how are we going to crush our enemies today? DARTZ: Here’s what we gonna do, mayn. We gonna find Yu-gay Moh-toe and we gonna take his dyk. RAPHAEL: (flatly) What? DARTZ: His dyk! You know, man, his dik. We all got dyks. You got a dyk, I got a dyk. Hell, I could whip out my dyk right now and show you. RAPHAEL: No! No! No, please don’t. I’ll— I'll just trust that it’s there. ZOMBIE BOY: Uh, is he saying “deck” or “d*ck”? VALON: Eh, sometimes it’s best not to ask. DARTZ: Now it’s crucial that you guys don’t EFF! this up. So I want you to cwose yoh eyes and imagine that yoh standing in front of Yu-gay Moh-toe. RAPHAEL: Okay, now what? DARTZ: Now, reach out and gwab his dik. RAPHAEL: Oh, no. DARTZ: And pull it towards you. RAPHAEL: Oh, this can‘t be happening. DARTZ: And then I want you to cut his dik into three pieces! RAPHAEL: Mother of God! DARTZ: And each of you will take one piece (Monkey D. Luffy’s head pops up in the corner, then pops down) of his dik and twavel to a different part of the planet. And then his dik will belong to us! RAPHAEL: Uh, i-is that it? Can we open our eyes now? DARTZ: No, man. There’s one more part to the pwan. RAPHAEL: Of course there is. DARTZ: Next, we gonna take Mai Vawentine’s dyk! (Raphael throws-up) DARTZ: Hey man, not on the rug! Just talking about (incoherent rambling, trying to say Mai's name) Mai Vawentine’s dyk! (cut back to the Council) YUGI: Where the hell am I? What is this place? FLORENCE: I believe we’re somewhere in Egypt. At least, that’s what the subtitle always says at the beginning. MELVIN: So then, Yugi, my little hockey puck. Do you have any final words before I terminate you with extreme prejudice? FLORENCE: You know, you never hear about anybody terminating with mild prejudice, do you? YUGI: Look, I know we’ve had some disagreements in the past but think about what you’re doing! If I die, it won’t fix everything that happened to you. Ask yourself, what would killing me accomplish? MELVIN: Other than making me laugh like a maniac, not much. But it’s enough. YUGI: Wait, stop! CAPTION: censored (a chainsaw and Yugi yelling are heard) MELVIN: (laughs) Ah, that was very satisfying. FLORENCE: You... killed Yugi. MELVIN: You betcha. FLORENCE: And off screen, too. MELVIN: It’s what he would’ve wanted. FLORENCE: I can’t believe it. He’s really, finally dead. MELVIN: Yes. And now, Bakura, you are my boyfriend and we’re going out ten times. FLORENCE: What? ZORC: Hey, Bakura, Zorc & Pals got renewed for a second season. We’re back on TV. DAN GREEN: Hey, Bakura, you were just voted “Villain of the Year”! Also, everybody agrees that “Florence” is the manliest name ever. Way more manly than “Dan Green”. FLORENCE: This. Is the happiest day of my life! MARIK: Bakura! Hey, Bakura! Wake up, Bakura! (The scene shows Florence snapping back into reality) FLORENCE: W-wh-what? Oh, bollocks, was I dreaming all of that? MARIK: All of what? FLORENCE: You didn’t transform into your evil counterpart and murder Yugi in cold blood recently, did you? MARIK: Yes! FLORENCE: Really? MARIK: Wait... No. No I did not. My bad. FLORENCE: And I suppose Zorc & Pals isn’t really renewed either. ZORC: No, that show is so 2006. FLORENCE: Wonderful. So, Marik, what’s your new evil plan this time? MARIK: We’re going to sneak into Yugi’s house under cover of darkness and rearrange his sock drawer! His entire collection of socks shall be thrown into disarray! His world will be plunged into chaos! Sock-related chaos! FLORENCE: Yep. Same old, same old. UMBRA: (offscreen) Like a bawss. CAPTION: fin (“All You Need is Love” by The Beatles plays with Dartz’s message playing backwards) DARTZ: (backwards) Don’t go to schooh! Dodododododododododo. Stay at home! Dodododododododododo. Pwocwastinate on your homework! Dododododododododododo. Pway video games! Dododododododododododo. (Post-ending, the Game Shop) YUGI: Hello? Yes, this is Yugi Muto. (Inside) YUGI: You wanna take my what?! No! That’s disgusting! …What do you mean “Does Mai Valentine have one”? E04